I’m back in New York. My cats did not have to carry out a hit on American Airlines — the airline managed an on-time flight with a fully staffed plane on my way back.
My trip back to the States, unfortunately, has nothing to do with pets.
My dog and two cats are back in Cairo with my boyfriend. No one has licked my face in three weeks. No one has greeted me at the door enthusiastically or warmed my lap. Sigh. On the plus side, no one has sat on my laptop keyboard and picked off a key with their sharp claws. You know who you are. Alas, poor F3 key, we knew ye well…
As I have not been witness to the antics of my own pets, I am forced to write about other people’s pets. Writing about other people’s pets is like writing about other people’s children. It can be done, but it is not nearly as fascinating. Let’s face it: No one is as interesting as your own pets or children. Yet most people do not seem to understand this basic truth. Talking about your own pet or child is like talking about yourself — it is interesting only to others who have a large emotional investment. Of course there are other annoying things that pet owners do, and (no surprise) I’ve compiled a short list.
My top 5 list of annoying things that pet owners do:
- Use their pet’s picture as their Facebook profile picture. Really? Seriously? Get a life… This is right up there with using your kid’s picture. Get. Your. Own. Identity.
- Justify their pet’s annoying habits with pop psychology. Your dog does not whine at the door because he was taken from his mother too early or he was the runt of the litter and thus has an inferiority complex. Your dog whines at the door because you haven’t trained him properly. Your cat does not claw up your furniture in an act of passive aggression because she doesn’t like your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Your cat claws up your furniture because that is what cats do for fun.
- Brag about the breed. Uh, yeah, that’s great that you spent $5,000 on a pet. All that shows is what a retard you are for making your pet a status symbol and not going to the local rescue shelter to save a homeless animal. If you got a purebred pet so you could join that animal’s own special society, meet with other owners of the same breed and socialize with people who “understand” that breed, please see the last four words of #1.
- Talk for their animal. While this is hours of endless fun for people who are emotionally involved with your pet, it is astoundingly boring for most people. I am not interested in your turtle’s musings about Hume. I’m not even interested in your musings about Hume; telling me through your turtle doesn’t make it edgy and interesting.
- Talk about their pet’s bowel movements. It doesn’t matter if this is over dinner or not. I do not want to hear about your ferret’s litter box habits, how your cat drinks out of the toilet even though you’ve put out fresh water (!) or how your dog’s poop got all over the sidewalk because it was so runny. It is always gross. Always. Yes, every time. Gross.
Consider yourself warned.
About Sarah Blakemore
